the missing link...

with all the ideas in place, with a bright future ahead, with all the respect and admiration, i m looking for the missing link, the gap that makes its presence felt time n again. a link that i have lost long back...not sure if i ever had one...the link which could have brought the synergy... which could have strengthened the skills, the efforts and the outcomes. on taking an introspective look at the past, the present and the prospective future, it seems as if it is this link that i m aspiring for or probably its substitutes. the reason that makes me look for the substitutes could be my belief of it being a lost battle. therefore, i lay back and stop fighting, suddenly prompted by this new clue that comes in a delectable package, luring me towards itself...n i start running again only to realise that i have lost the delectable package insearch of the link. had it been better if i had continued with my orginal disposure and relished at the package...what an irony...the reason for all the troubles appears to be lack of proactiveness and the solution is found in loosing all activity.

the eternal question, should i change my direction or continue on the same path forever or accept things the way they are saying that it wasn't my cup of tea.

Hostilities

first things first...I m done with my international finance exam...But my knowledge remains limited to clues only...

continuing with the blog...

hostility...is what i see around every second. hostility, which is often justified as confidence, competence or ability. there could be 100's of justifications but the fact remains that it is a weakness which can not be presented over as a strength. i wonder why we are regressing back, why people who are a part of the progressive society, people who are regarded as the most brilliant of all, people who clear all those rigourous screening processes are the ones exhibiting hostility towards others. i m not refferring only to the people who are in my immediate circle of influence but talking about the community i m now a part of. education, which is supposed to take us further doesn't appear to be effective. it doesn't retain its meaning in the world where a piece of knowledge is seen as a means to lure "the ellites (supposedly)" . i wonder who falls prey to whom, the one who comes across as the smart chap and thinks that he has been successful in fooling the big shot or the big shot who gives a nasty look to the other, deep down inside as if relishing on the capture of this new victim, who fell for the trap. both of them working towards "the so called common goal". the only thing that i can infer from this phenomenon is that success is directly proportional to degradation.

success rather competition forces a person to lie and to keep lying. competition grows as u grow, it's a scavanger who gradually eats up every truth, every positive emotion and every bit of innocence in you. everytime i listen to a debate involving competition, every time i see people coming up with interesting justifications for competition claiming that it is competition thats makes you go forward, my stand on this issue gets strengthened. how could i endorse competition when i see the degradation, the hypocrisy and the "hostility" around. when i see that people are trying to look down upon the other consciously, when i see one lie after the other coming out from their mouths and when i see people changing faces in seconds, i wonder if the rewards are much greater than the price they are paying for it. probably its a phenomenon similar to "money illusion" that has taken a toll on this "educated class" and they are not realising that the price is rising with the rewards and probably at a faster rate than the rewards themselves. by the time the realization would creep in, they might have lost all the positivity they ever had and the regrets will not be enough to compensate for the "sunk cost".

i can not isolate myself from the world i m talking about and i may exhibit similar characteristics but one fact i can confidently claim is that i retain my honesty no matter what i m percieved to be. though i may exhibit the same hostility that i mentioned but i will try my best to come over all the insecurity that breeds this hostility and will try to attain the confidence and stability that will help me acquire the skill i admire the most "humility".

PROGRESSION

most of my blogs have been a reflection of relatively recent experiences...of engineering and mba...some of them reflect similarities and some reflect contrasts...some reflect insecurity while some reflect stability...some reflect past memories while some reflect future concerns.

here's a poem that brings them all together and reflects my current state of mind

PROGRESSION

life has changed, so have i;

continuously heading for the bulls eye...

with spread narrowing down;

n focus building up...

with targets being set;

n committments being met...

lost a few memories here n there;

picked a few lessons up, to share...

moving ahead with stars in my eyes

in a galaxy with mystic skies...

i seek success and pleasure;

with a few close friendships to treasure..
.

thats all for now...coz i m still clueless about international finance...hopefully will get some clues till the next blog

Fatal Attraction

writing after a long gap...though my exams are going on n i have a presentation 2moro n also i m clueless about international finance...still fulfilling my commitments towards blogspot.com...how sacrificial i m...

Attraction: everyone is smitten by this bee sometime or the other...certainly worth the tinge it leaves. it is a positive feeling for sure, distractive at times...the depth of distraction could be severe, varying from person to person,situation to situation and attraction to attraction. dont think it would be wrong if i call it a motivating factor...a satisfier more than a hygiene factor (some hr jargon that i m trying to flaunt..for those still perplexed), a classification of recognition, a short term focus or a catalyst. attraction could be a reason for u to look forward to each day...have an agenda for each day...have a wardrobe set for all occassions.some times makes u loose track but could also give u a direction but luring u to stay on track.

i think that's enough for laying the foundation. n i know that i m not getting geared up for a gd right now. so what made me write a blog on attraction...i m attracted to someone...naaaa!...then what...i m completely out of it and it seems that the absense of this short term motivator may throw me off track. strange but with the pace i m loosing these small but significant emotions is growing. nothing seems to bother me now...be it way i dress up...be it the way i speak or be it the person i m talking to. i was never so "devoid" of emotions. probably at one point of time i wanted to be out of all these distractive emotions, i wanted to reduce the influence of "people" on my life...i hardly knew that life would be so bland without this tastemaker.cant deny the advantages of being free...its great to be independent, out of influence n out of "attraction". but i guess its time i bring back some spice in my life...n break the monotony. but can't create emotions out of choice...that has to come from within...so is it my desire that made me loose the emotions...quite possible...probably the whole universe is conspiring for me.

have i grown up!

13th feb,2006

2 days more...and it would be one month since rajat bhaiya got married. i still can't imagine that he's old enough to be married, though he is 5 years elder than me...i still can't forget those childish fights, that non stop fun and late night chat sessions with all my cousins. i can still recall the desperation for summer holidays, the rigour to finish off my holiday homework as early as possible, though i never managed to complete it before last minute (not as late as i do now)...having all the relatives home during summers was immense fun.

childhood is a boon...though u have ur own issues but there is always somebody to settle thm down when required, contrary to now, when i sometimes regret having too much freedom, when i feel burdened with new alternatives at every juncture and when i have to go through the rigorous procedure of coming up with a decision seconds after i was done with the previous one. with time, the responsibility is growing along with the pressure and the expections.

the feeling is slowly creeping in that i m not a kid any more...a fact still not completely accepted...can't imagine myself going out in the world, handling every responsibility, respecting everyone's feelings and realizing my own dreams...these are not just words any more...as my MBA course is getting over, the realization is getting stronger...i know i will eventually handle all that comes my way but will the happiness stay intact, will the security be the way it is and will i be able to maintain the same bonding with my family or will i able to create new bonds as strong as these ones...don't know...only time will answer

a dress rehearsal...is it?????????

a few days back while i was sitting and relaxing on my sofa at home, a reader's digest lying on the table caught my attention...could see a lot of interesting write ups in that but one thing that grabed my attention was the cover story (if i remember correctly) on the explanation of dreams. dreams: a topic i can safely claim to call universally interesting. a mystery unsolved...no matter what all studies are conducted...what all theories are made...what all speculation is done...the fact remains that dreams are a reflection of our lives, be it past or present, though there are different ways of putting down the same theory.ya...coming back to the article...it refered to dreams as a rehearsal of something we may have trouble adapting to...they are a sort of defense mechanisms against our worst fears.interesting theory i must say...it seems to have cleared the clouds of ambiguity for that moment atleast. at;least i won't wonder why i get to see those extrordinarily scary dreams at times. never knew that comprehending your dreams enjoy such deep regard in medical fraternity...after reading the article, it seemd that any mental ailment could be cured only if i knew my dream well...easy na!!!!!!!

infact the author had mentioned ways to recall your dream better and also to consiously dream of certain things to find an answer to your psychological problems. can't figure out what drives the people to go ahead with such researches...is it there full time job or just a passion... people ike me do find it interesting to read these things one in while but don't know how far one can maintain his interests in such vague concepts which may or may not extend beyond theories.

coming back to dreams, so i accept them as a rehearsal...sounds convincing...but how about the feeling of " deja vu" , there must e many explanations for it too...i may not have written it here had i been more learned but...nevertheless...why does a situation make me feel that i have seen the exact scene before (can even identify the colors at times), is that also a defense mechanism to make me feel more confident that i m capable of handling a particular situation coz i have witnessed it before...ut sometimes it happens with very regular activities like watching tv with family which may not require a defense mechanism...or is it simply a wish or may be fear of facing a particular situation which makes us believe that we have seen it before.i may get an explanation as interesting as the one for dreams some day...though there will always be speculation...anywayz...it still remains an interesting fact to know...

insecurities...

feeling very low today...have been flooding my blog with negative thoughts...though i m feeling guilty about it but that's the only way out. i m tired of feeling so helpless...don't know why it's happening with me...or rather it seems that way...may i should have been a little more proactive in life...but still can't figure out why i m being made to face this insecurity.despite of knowing that it's going to make me feel terrible, i can't do anything about it. i wish i could ever get that security, get the right to ask for an answer, i wish i could ever see that transparency around me and remove all vagueness. i do try not to indulge in things that i myself don't accept...but things don't seem to go the right way...is this a test of my sincerity or i m on the wrong path all toghether...or may be i m not comprehending the picture correctly...

to be contd...

my weakness

can't figure out whether to believe it or not but this has certainly brought forth a new viewpoint of looking at life for me. i have always been an unsocial person right from the very begining. though things were not as bad earlier as they turned out later. i could never figure out what stops me from striking well with people....why i could never make life long friends and why i kept hurting those who cared. i keep introspecting myself endlessly without getting an answer...keep getting advices on being more interactive every now n then. when harshita did my behavior analysis and told me that it's an issue with the people around me who consciously try to isolate me, i couldnot decide whether to believe it or not. i have realised it a couple of times that someone or the other is consciously trying to attack me in some way or the other but would it be wise to believe it for everyone around me.. may be? or may not be? but it's something worth giving a thought...

one thing i adore about myself is turning every weakness of mine into a strength...no matter how long it takes...i am sure the same would happen with this one too and i ll get the stability that i m looking for...

a blend: philosophy, science n crap!

The mysteries of the universe fascinate me. I recall reading an extract from " The brief history of time" on the movement of stars. It can't believe myself for finding a concept of physics so damn fascinating . It says that the position of a star changes by the time it becomes visible to us. Light takes a second to cover 3 lac kms and certain stars are so distant from the earth that by the time we are able to see them, they have already moved miles away. Imagine looking at a star in a dark night, sharing your thoughts with it and realising that it was an illusion. This brings about a mysterious connection between the physical reality and the abstract. Everything in the universe is relative and an absolute reality doesn't exist. Time which is said to be the essence of life is itself governed by frames of references. This very moment when i am sitting in my MBA class listening to a lecture on infrastructure, itself may be an illusion. Every moment that is passing by would have been seen by someone else before me and would be seen by somebody else after me. the very fact of time being a relative concept negates the theory of it being lost as soon as it goes by. Every thing in the universe stays here only and comes back as per a predecided cycle. Does it mean that i am living a framed life and everything around me is actually stagnant, not subject to any kind of expansion. What is now, was there, ever since time existed and will be there till time ceases to exist. The same might be true for all the inhabitants of the universe too...hmmm then i may get a chance to meet alexander some day.